Thou Art To Me A Delicious Torment...

Faithful Servant

12:26, January 8, 2010 .. 1 comments .. Link

Adrian has said he'll be patient for me to decide if i want to become his slave again. A few things have been weighing on my decision, which has inevitably put me in limbo.

I knew what I wanted and saved myself for the "right" person. It took years - 8 to be exact - to find the right person to dominate me. It was more than just throwing myself to any ready hand. I don't believe I'm above or better than most, I just wanted to find the right hand to touch, torture and please me. Someone who could mentally and sexually attract me.I wanted to swoon from their individualistic demeanor and feel my knees weaken when they commanded me.

He took to it with eagerness. But he failed to see how special it was to me. He perverted our experience, thinking with his cock, and inherently dirtied our things. He may have bought them but those were our things. Toys that brought pain, pleasure, love and servitude. I feel like I gave him my virginity and he spread himself like a disease.

He didn't see our sessions as spiritual experiences until long after I decided to end our M/S relationship. It seems it was just a way to control and mold me to his liking. Which I believe is only given to a Master/Mistress who has proven they are capable of protecting their slave emotionally, physically and psychologically.

Adrian tells me he didn't know what he had until he lost it but I can't help but ask myself, "Does this man deserve my servitude?"

He did things behind my back when we weren't together and when I couldn't take it any longer I ended our M/S relationship. So THEN he really didn't have to tell me anything. He didn't give me the respect or honor that I should have been given.

If I can't trust a man... why should I put my faith in him?

I gave him something beautiful... in a state that I found special and unique. But it wasn't unique. It was superficial. Fake. We were fake.

Just something new to tell any whore or child who'll listen. Your welcome for given you the "Wow!" factor.

And yet, like always I'm stuck like glue to your side. Even as I write these words my heart aches. Because I'll always love him. Because he can be romantic and thoughtful. Because he can be a good man.

something just for you.

08:36, November 15, 2009 .. 0 comments .. Link

Me being polite may have fooled you into thinking i'm a bitch. keep stepping on my toes and i'll beat your ass. i'm not being catty, this is a warning. i will end this before it becomes drama in my life.

oh and thanks for forcing him to change his number.

Strong Enough To Break

01:28, October 24, 2009 .. 0 comments .. Link

I don’t feel myself today
Just a figure in a big monopoly game
Struggle is the price you pay
You get just enough just to give it away
I’m sinking but I’m floating away
Throw me a line so I can anchor my pain
The fabric is about to fray
The fabric is about to fray

Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately
Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately
Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately

Things keep coming and I keep wondering
I start feeling the walls close in
Things keep coming and I keep stumbling
I start feeling I’m strong enough to break
Oh, I start feeling I’m strong enough to break

Been running through my mind today
Scenarios to add to your hypocrisy
No one ever takes the blame
But everyone is searching for a cure to the pain
Nothing ever seems to change
Oh, nothing ever seems to change
We just play like broken records in a deaf man’s charade

Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately
Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately
Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately

Things keep coming and I keep wondering
I start feeling the walls close in
Things keep coming and I keep stumbling
I start feeling I’m strong enough to break

Carry on just a pawn and the same old song
I’m still holding on

The fabric is about to fray

Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately
Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately

Things keep coming and I keep wondering
I start feeling the walls close in
Things keep coming and I keep stumbling
I start feeling I’m strong enough
Things keep coming and I keep wondering
I start feeling the walls close in
Things keep coming and I keep stumbling
I start feeling I’m strong enough to break
Oh, I start feeling I’m strong enough to break
Oh, I start feeling I'm strong enough to break

Starter

03:15, October 18, 2009 .. 0 comments .. Link

This is a start
that I know I'll believe in
so I'm leavin' everything behind

Keeping the parts
that I know I'll be needing
and I breed to be a better kind

And I'm leavin' everyone behind

This is the age
when my past should be gone
but it's just stronger than the aims I have

Turning the pages
I used to hang on to
I was young and I have changed my mind

And I'm leaving everything behind

New beginning again
a bit closer

new beginning again
a little bit closer

New beginning again
a bit closer to the end

This is the time
it's a delicate line
to the beginning of what's yet to come

Lifetimes of changes
a strange generation
explanations never come in time

So I'm leavin' everything behind

Uncertainty

06:39, October 14, 2009 .. 0 comments .. Link

"Mari i know if you dont get back with him you may regret it... If you do get back with him i think you may be a bit happy but i think everything, all the lies and the pain and crying that he put you through.. you may resent him and hold it against him and it may destroy what you two try to rebuild. he needs to regain your trust, cause he did alot of really fucked up things to you. how can a person do all that to a person that they "love"?"

"you need to stop letting him push you around. your not together anymore .. he will keep doing shit like this to you and he will most likley take the other side over you (like he has in the past so many times.) this shit will never end and your the one that lets him hurt you cause i dont think he will stop... hes unhealthy for you and you will only stay miserable."

"i wish i knew what to say or do to make you completely get over him... He's already pulled way too much shady shit already and it just sounds like more crap ... i think he likes seeing how he can hurt you, how much he means to you ... and what he can get away with reguardless if you do physically hurt him ...it is super unfortunate that he's such an ass and you keep going through it."

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On a completely different note... my teacher is painting me in a "Dia De Los Muertos" kind of look. It will be on display in the art building of vista in two weeks or so. :D

A PET'S TEN COMMANDMENTS

03:08, October 12, 2009 .. 0 comments .. Link

1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Any separation from you is likely to
be painful.
2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.
3. Place your trust in me. It is crucial for my well-being.
4. Don't be angry with me for long and don't lock me up as punishment. You have
your work, your friends, your entertainment, but I have only you.
5. Talk to me. Even if I don't understand your words, I do understand your
voice when speaking to me.
6. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget it.
7. Before you hit me, before you strike me, remember that I could hurt you, and
yet, I choose not to bite you.
8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if
something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food, I have
been in the sun too long, or my heart might be getting old or weak.
9. Please take care of me when I grow old. You too, will grow old.
10. On the ultimate difficult journey, go with me please. Never say you can't
bear to watch. Don't make me face this alone. Everything is easier for me if
you are there, because I love you so.

November - Azure Ray

04:41, October 11, 2009 .. 0 comments .. Link

So I'm waiting for this test to end
So these lighter days can soon begin
I'll be alone but maybe more carefree
Like a kite that floats so effortlessly
I was afraid to be alone
Now I'm scared thats how I'd like to be
All these faces none the same
How can there be so many personalities
So many lifeless empty hands
So many hearts in great demand
And now my sorrow seems so far away
Until I'm taken by these bolts of pain
But I turn them off and tuck them away
'till these rainy days that make them stay
And then I'll cry so hard to these sad songs
And the words still ring, once here now gone
And they echo through my head everyday
And I dont think they'll ever go away
Just like thinking of your childhood home
But we cant go back we're on our own
Oh,
But i'm about to give this one more shot
And find it in myself
I'll find it in myself
So were speeding towards that time of year
To the day that marks that you're not here
And i think I'll want to be alone
So please understand if I dont answer the phone
I'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls
Until I can see nothing at all
Only particles some fast some slow
All my eyes can see is all I know
Ohh..
But I'm about to give this one more shot
And find it in myself
I'll find it in myself
Doo doo doo(x9)

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I miss my little boy. It's agonizing and I feel alone in my pain. What is life worth living for without him in my arms.

I dreampt about him calling me mommy. Seeing him play with some future children i had. all i wanted to do was hold him and tell him i was sorry and that i loved him. and that no one could take us away from each other. ever again.

No Other Way - Jack Johnson

04:31, October 11, 2009 .. 0 comments .. Link

When your mind is a mess
So is mine, I cant sleep
Cause it hurts when I think
My thoughts aren't at peace

With the plans that we make
Chances we take
They're, not yours and not mine
There's waves that can break

All the words that we say
And the words that we mean
Words can fall short
Can't see the unseen

Cause the world is awake
For somebody's sake now,
please close your eyes woman
Please get some sleep

And know that if I knew
All of the answers I would
Not hold them from you'd
Know all the things that i'd know
We told each other, there is no other way

Well too much silence can be misleading
You're drifting I can hear it in the way that your breathing
We don't really need to find reason
Cause out the same door that it came well its leaving its leaving
Leaving like a day that's done and part of a season
Resolve is just a concept that's as dead as the leaves

But at least we can sleep,
its all that we need
When we wake we will find
Our minds will be free to go to sleep

And know that if I knew
All of the answers I would
Not hold them from you'd
Know all the things that i'd know
We told each other, there is no other way

This Weekend...

11:44, October 11, 2009 .. 5 comments .. Link

met some new people this weekend. it was interesting to see who adrian befriends. don't know how to feel about it... it's not a competition. adrian and i were a little offended through out the night. don't know what else to say about that.

saturday was amazing though. when we woke up stephen was being really cool. i made everyone breakfast tacos and we all hung out and joked around. then, adrian, andy and i hung went to WEC. Adrian is right... when andy and i get together it's like we're the asshole twins. it was fun to have the three of us goof off all night. we got stuck behind some obnoxious drunk women though. luckily we moved to another row. the fights were intense! i met a stripper from wild zebra too. so adrian and i got two free tickets. pretty excited to see if it's any different from sugars. sugars was a complete dissapointment. we pay less to see more at dance parties. we promised to take andy with us when we hit the strip club. LOL. then we went to lulu's. it was one of the best days we've had in a long time. i love andy.

BrokenHearted....

12:07, October 9, 2009 .. 0 comments .. Link

Well open up your mind and see like me
open up your plans and damn you're free
look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
listen to the music at the moment people dance and sing
Were just one big family
And it's our godforsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved

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Go away then, damn you,
Go on and do as you please,
You ain't gonna see me gettin' down on my knees.
I'm undecided, and your heart's been divided,
You've been turning my world upside down.

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All of these things people told me
Keep messing with my head
You should've picked honesty
Then you may not have blown it

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You were my sun
You were my earth
But you didn't know all the ways I loved you, no
So you took a chance
And made other plans
But I bet you didn't think that they would come crashing down, no

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Im young but Im wise
Enough to know that you
Dont fall in love overnight
Thats why I thought if i
Took my time that everything
In love would be right

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You told me you loved me
Why did you leave me, all alone
Now you tell me you need me
When you call me, on the phone
Girl I refuse, you must have me confused
With some other guy
Your bridges were burned, and now it's your turn
To cry, cry me a river

06:13, October 7, 2009 .. 0 comments .. Link

The more i think about it.... the more i hate you.

Smokey Robinson You Really Got A Hold On Me

12:11, October 6, 2009 .. 0 comments .. Link

I don't like you
But I love you
See that I'm always
thinking of you
Oh, oh, oh,
you treat me badly
I love you madly
You've really got a hold on me
You've really got a hold on me, baby

I don't want you,
but I need you
Don't want to kiss you
but I need you
Oh, oh, oh
you do me wring now
my love is strong now
You've really got a hold on me
You've really got a hold on me, baby

I love you and all I want you to do
is just hold me, hold me, hold me, hold me

I want to leave you
don't want to stay here
Don't want to spend
another day here
Oh, oh, oh, I want to split now
I just can quit now
You've really got a hold on me
You've really got a hold on me, baby

I love you and all I want you to do
is just hold me, hold me, hold me, hold me

You've really got a hold on me
You've really got a hold on me

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I don't think i could forgive you. i don't see how i can find it in my heart. it's not the first time youve lied to me and it probably wouldn't be the last. Every lie is a straw... and it has finally broken my back. i can't condone your behavior. and i'm not going to marry you and have children with you and be stuck with you, unhappy and alone. i love you but it's not worth it and i can't find it in my heart to see it so.

I'm Going Insane

02:36, October 5, 2009 .. 0 comments .. Link

Yet again, i'm trying to always understand where you're coming from. Trying to find a reason to fogive what you do. Trying to make sense out of things that i probably shouldn't even bother with. You're constantly making me feel like a fool. An idiot. Worthless. Meaningless. And just not good enough.

Why do you lie to me?! Why am i not good enough for the truth? You tell me you'll wait til i feel you deserve it. But, do you deserve me? i'm not sure you do anymore. Have i not stayed by your side when you non-chalantly tore into my ego and soul. You have broken me down to the floor and just in case i didn't get the idea... you piss on me.

You make my mind spin out of control. My god. You had just gotten caught in a lie. Said you wouldn't do it again. And lied in the same FUCKING paragraph of a conversation. You are the reason for my misery.

You don't deserve me and i'm not sure if you ever did.

Consideration

05:19, October 4, 2009 .. 0 comments .. Link

Adrian and i have talked about reconsidering getting back together and renewing our old D/S relationship. So many things are running through my head. i thought would be happy about everything. But now all i feel is anxiety. Have things really changed? How much have they changed? i feel my heart wrenching. i just read my old posts... and i never want to feel that way again. and do i really want to be with someone who told me "Date other people, if you can't find someone, i can find one for you." or "well, let's just enjoy what we have right now. you'll find a new dominant" and "you can always swing with me and my wife" these things are running through my head... i don't know if it's worth it. is it?? i was devastated. and i know i can't stop loving him. but what is better.... heartache or another cycle...

and i want to talk things out, forget about everything and start new. but would we really be starting new? or would it just be a new set of issues he can sear into my heart. he called me a best friend and he says he loves me but he lied to me. how can you lie to the person you say you hold so close? he called someone else a best friend, found closure with her. i'm offended and tormented. i don't know what to do. i know when i think about it i want to slap him.

i just feel tormented and confused and suffocated by my own misery. can he really change and learn? or is he just going to damage me even more like everyone is telling me he will. no one wants to see this happen again. i didn't have someone's arms to cry to. i cried alone. i was alone. and they saw the pain in my eyes and i told them as emotionless as i could what was happening. they hate him for what he did to me. they told me to get over him before he stripped me of everything they loved about me. do i really want that to happen? would that happen? i don't know.

BDSM Powerpoint Pt 4

09:28, August 15, 2009 .. 0 comments .. Link

BDSM Powerpoint Pt 3

09:24, August 15, 2009 .. 0 comments .. Link

BDSM Powerpoint Pt 2

09:17, August 15, 2009 .. 0 comments .. Link

BDSM Powerpoint Pt 1

09:14, August 15, 2009 .. 0 comments .. Link

He Who Has No Name

02:42, August 3, 2009 .. 4 comments .. Link

i am left to decay in the sunlight
left to despair in the dark abyss
unappreciated, played for a fool
you.... i will never miss

i cry the tears of my sorrow
broken... i bleed out my pain
you are emptiness with a smile
lost in the vanity of your name

i put up the collar of servitude
i leave the reign of heartache
feel the wrath you've brought upon
and a smile that's surely faked

.... and if you cried a single tear
that had emotion lost within
i hope that tear could feel the pain
that you have thrown me in

Worn Out

09:31, July 15, 2009 .. 5 comments .. Link

i got home from class, start reading my financial aid information when my dad starts barking orders at me. i'm so tired. he's been sitting down making the place a mess. i cleaned before i left. his area is trashed and he's asking me to clean it again. i'm tired of feeling like his mother or his maid. i'm miserable. i hate my life here. then he asks if i'll clean the bbq pit. i tell him i just got home so he says well bake the ribs. HE decided to pull them out. HE decided to invite family over. HE said he would do it. But because he's too busy flirting with stupid skanky ruthless bitches online... HE's trying to make me do what HE said he would do. i'm tired of it. Then he starts yelling at me for not being able to find baking dishes. They're there... HE just wants it set infront of him. And then he starts yelling at me about having the plates being packed away. Well i'm sorry that you told me you're moving out in a week and i need to start packing HIS stuff (only me!!!). HE doesn't get me boxes or tape. HE wants me to do ALL of it in one day. i'm sorry if my life does not revolve around you!!! FUCK!!! i had a paper due. So i start packing thursday because i have to ask Master to bring these things so i can have time to write my methodology without being stressed out of my mind. My dad says he's going to leave that weekend! Then on Saturday... tells me he's not sure when he's leaving. i'm sorry if i don't want to unpack everything i already have packed. it's not like u don't notice the boxes in your dining room!

And then in the end... i feel guilty about thinking or writing this. i will probably ending up deleting it.

And you know what's even funnier... he calls me lazy and a bad daughter. HA. funny.

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